


dear j

by hvldirs



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-21 16:22:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7394794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hvldirs/pseuds/hvldirs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He has no more freedom left. He's forever bound to this iron barred prison, coated with concrete and no possible escape. Even in his tiny box sized prison, he's shackled to the ground by titanium chains and thick ropes that bind him so tightly he can't move or breathe. No light shines in this prison of his. Baekhyun's in so much pain. His world starts to finally crumble from the already erroded foundations and he can't regain coherant thoughts. All he can think of is his freedom, gone, and how all he has left is this prison.</p>
            </blockquote>





	dear j

**Author's Note:**

> This is not an actual characterisation of the people in this fic. 
> 
> I do not support suicide and please, if you feel down, please talk to someone. 
> 
> It will help even though, it may not help much. 
> 
> WARNINGS: ATTEMPTED SUICIDE

The idol world is a prison for Byun Baekhyun, though during the first few years he loved it. He reveled in all the attention and basked in the glory of it all. Now... Now it was slowly killing him, ripping him to tiny little shreds leaving nothing of Byun Baekhyun behind. Every hour, every minute, every second was torture to him, and oh, how he longed for the freedom he had back before the idol life. 

Now, he sits in the dorm bathroom, alone. No one was in the dorms, they'd all gone out and he'd opted to stay behind under the pretences of being sick. Baekhyun knows that they didn't believe him one bit but they also knew he needed personal space and time to himself. Especially Chanyeol, his long time lover and bandmate, he'd ushered everyone away from him and sent Baekhyun a worried look before leaving himself. 

To be honest, Baekhyun wanted Chanyeol to stay, but he didn't and Baekhyun knew he was alone. So, so alone. Chanyeol had turned his back on Baekhyun, given up on the singer and left him to rot in his mind, in his prison. The rapper had left him to break himself even more and loose the last embers of hope left in his pitiful being.  Pitiful. He thinks of all the times he was called beautiful by both fans and Chanyeol. He was not pitiful, but beautiful. He wonders if Chanyeol still thinks he's beautiful. Probably not, since Chanyeol had left him by himself. 

Baekhyun looks around the bathroom and finds it even more restraining. He suddenly finds that the idol life is even more suffocating than ever. An angushied sound tears itself from his throat. This  Monster  comeback was taking a huge toll on him. Baekhyun isn't sure if he'll be able to handle the pressure. He catches sight of his relfection in the mirror. Suddenly everything seems so clear. 

" _No_. " Baekhyun says aloud. He hands tangle themselves in his pink-blond hair and he starts to scream. High pitched and anguished, Baekhyun comes to the horrid,  _horrid_ realisation that he'd denied for so,  so  long. It overrides his thoughts and he can't think of anything except for that fact. 

He has no more freedom left. He's forever bound to this iron barred prison, coated with concrete and no possible escape. Even in his tiny box sized prison, he's shackled to the ground by titanium chains and thick ropes that bind him so tightly he can't move or breathe. No light shines in this prison of his. Baekhyun's in so much pain. His world starts to finally crumble from the already erroded foundations and he can't regain coherant thoughts. All he can think of is his freedom,  gone,  and how all he has left is this prison. 

"I want to die." His voice says aloud and  by god. _It's answer he's been looking for. Why didn't he think of this earlier?_  It was clear. So very clear.  " _I want to die._ "  Baekhyun repeats, his voice louder and more confident now. 

He looks around the bathroom for something he can use to kill himself with. Baekhyun notices that the door is unlocked, but he doesn't bother to lock it because no one's going to come back for a few hours. The singer panics as he can't seem to see anything that he could use to end his life when he remembers the  _razors_.  He crawls to the cupboards with urgency and flings the doors open, desperately looking for them. 

Baekhyun just about nearly rips the cupbaord doors off their hinges when he couldn't find the razors. A hysterical sob fills the air, hot tears roll down Baekhyun's face and his nails are starting to stain red. Red from the blood he's drawing from the way he's gripping his forearms and ripping through his skin. A strained huccip comes from his throat and it's so very pathetic. He has reduced himself to mere nothingness and he is so very worthless. Especially when he sees himself in the mirror again. 

Blood. Blood is the first thing he sees, blood from scratches on his face. His  beautiful  face is broken and Baekhyun has one less good aspect about himself. His looks are now nothing. Baekhyun looks at his face again and it's swollen from crying and he can't bear to look at him face so he moves onto his hair. His blond pink hair is dishevlished and stained with flecks of red. His forearms are a mess, little rivers of blood trickle down his arms. His skin's gone a shade paler and Baekhyun knows that that can't be healthy. 

His eyes when he sees them in the mirror are bloodshot and dull. They say eyes are the window to a person's soul and Baekhyun believes in that saying whole heartedly. He knows he's broken, tired, dead through the look in his eyes. But the one expression that Baekhyun believes in his eyes whole heartedly is the defeat of life. That he's given up. His struggle will soon be over. He's prepared to die. 

The realisation strikes him harder than he could ever imagine. It hits him harder than it ever has before. Baekhyun wonders if he's truly ready to leave this prison and find his eternal freedom through death. He thinks about his friends and family. They'll be sad if he dies but as the quote goes;  _time heals all wounds_.  They'll get over him someday. The boys of EXO? He's not sure how they'll react but it won't hurt them too much, right? His fans, he's nothing really to them. They'll get over him. They'll act like he means the whole world but he'll be forgotten because they don't know him and the EXO era will come to pass and all of them will be forgotten.

Finally, Chanyeol. A shudder passes over Baekhyun's body. He's the person Baekhyun knows that he will hurt the most. But, Chanyeol will understand because he loves (Baekhyun actually isn't too sure anymore, maybe it's because he doesn't love himself anymore) Baekyun. He'll get why Baekhyun left. But at the same time, Baekhyun doesn't want to leave because of Chanyeol, he'll dearly miss the younger boy who means the most to him. 

He whimpers as he feels tears roll down his face again, this time they're hot, bitter and full of emptiness. Baekhyun gets to his feet, shaking from lack of movement and he has to stablise himself through gripping the towel rail. He grabs the door handle and flings it open, Baekhyun stumbles into the kitchen on weak legs and blurry eyes. He collapses at the base of the fridge and slumps onto his stomach. For a few moments he doesn't move. Baekhyun just closes his eyes and lays limp, gathering his cowardly courage from inside. 

Making the decision to kill himself was easy. Not really. When Baekhyun opens his eyes, he lets loud sobs escape his throat. It's time.  _This is going to be over soon._ He reassures himself.  _You'll be free. No more prisons to hold you back._ It takes a few minutes for Baekhyun to find a piece of scrap paper and pen in the kitchen but he does. He lets the words flow onto paper. 

_ I'm sorry for everything. I hope you guys won't be too sad about my death. Don't think you could have helped me because you couldn't. I'm leaving this prison. I'm saying goodbye to all of this pain. I'll be free. Don't worry about me. It will all be okay.  _

_ I love you all.  _

_ Park Chanyeol, know that I love you the most and you'll be the only one on my mind.  _

_ \- Byun Baekhyun _

He sets the note down next on the counter, the paper is wet and stained with tears. Baekhyun sobs, he's never going to see them again. He wants to see everyone to the end but he can't. He wants to be free and with Chanyeol but he can't. It's never going to happen and unless he dies, he's never going to escape his prison. Baekhyun stands up and fumbles around for something sharp when he sees the knife rack. The idol singer pulls a sharp knife out from it and sits back on the ground. 

The knife is like his child. He craddles it so reverently and he's careful in handling it. This is his key to freedom. Baekhyun catches his reflection in the knife's surface and he looks at himself carefully. This is the last time he's ever going to see himself. Baekhyun makes sure to fix his hair up a little bit, wipe his remaining tears away and finally he smiles faintly. 

"Goodbye, Chanyeol I love you." Baekhyun whispers as he cuts into his wrist and the pain is so blinding he screams.

...

Joonmyeon picks up a call from Chanyeol who briefly returned to the dorms once he realised he left his wallet behind. He wonders why Chanyeol has the need to call him. 

"Chanyeol?" He asks and all he gets is hysteric gibberish from the other side of the line. " _ Chanyeol _ ?" Joonmyeon repeats urgently, this isn't good. 

" _Joonmyeon. Help. Please. B-Baekhyun. He's..._ " Chanyeol can't get any further and the younger boy is just in hysterics. Joonmyeon curses and hangs up, he texts the rest of the members to come back to the dorms. He doesn't like this, a sinking feeling settles in his stomach. He hopes nothing has happened to Baekhyun. Yixing at his side stares at him unblinkingly.

"We have to go back. I think something's happened to Baekhyun." Joonmyeon whispers. 

"Do you think...?" Yixing whispers to Joonmyeon. 

"No.  _No_.  It can't be." Joonmyeon starts to loose his cool. Because if  _that's_ happened, that just shows how much of a leader he was. He was a failure and he couldn't even look after one of his team members. It just couldn't be. If Baekhyun did  _it_ ,  how could Joonmyeon not notice anything wrong with Baekhyun. Of course there was, but no, he let it go just as Baekhyun told him to. 

"Stop. Let's go." Yixing snaps Joonmyeon out of his thoughts, grabs his hand and the two men make their way to the dorms of EXO. On their way back, the leader can't stop internally berating himself and thinking of the very worse. When they arrive on the scene, Yixing gasps.  _ Joonmyeon knows that he's failed in his role of leader.  _

...

The dorms were silent when Chanyeol had first stepped in ten minutes ago. He wondered what Baekhyun was doing, probably sleeping if it was that quiet. No way in hell had he ever been expecting  _this_. 

Byun Baekhyun laying on the floor unmoving with blood spilling from his wrist. No sound leaves Chanyeol's throat as he collapses on his knees, reaching out for the petite singer. The younger man pulls the unmoving body into his arms. Chanyeol is cold and unfeeling. The entirity of this situation hasn't hit him yet. 

"Wake up Baek." Chanyeol mutters. "Don't leave. Please. At least still be alive." He can feel Baekhyun's breathing, it's shallow and close to none, and he whips out his phone and calls the cops and ambulance through a cold voice. He holds the older closer but suddenly a cold dread hits him, Baekhyun's stopped breathing. A scream leaves his throat because  _no, no, no._ Baekhyun has just tried to commit suicide and now he doesn't know if the ambulance will make in time. 

Tears stream down Chanyeol's cheeks and drip onto Baekhyun's face. Baekhyun needs help. He needs it now. How could he let this happen? How could anyone let Baekhyun do this? He fumbles with the phone and through his rapidly rising hysteria, he manages to call Joonmyeon. He doesn't know what he's saying but Joonmyeon hangs up and arrives nearly five minutes later, with Yixing in tow. 

The rest of EXO arrives before the ambulance does and when they do, it takes Joonmyeon, Jongin, Sehun and Yixing to pry him away from Baekhyun's unresponsive body. Chanyeol yells and struggles and someone has to put him to sleep before he can hurt himself or anybody else. 

When he wakes up, he's in hospital surrounded by the rest of the EXO members including, Lu Han, Zitao and Yifan. They all look sombre and they all look like they've cried a fair bit. Chanyeol tries to speak, but his throat is raspy and dry. Yifan brings Chanyeol a glass of water and makes sure he drinks it all before saying;

"Baekhyun's alive but barely, he'll be asleep for a few days." 

The relief Chanyeol feels is immense and he cries. He lets his tears express his relief and sadness over Baekhyun's attempted suicide and that he's going to survive this ordeal. That Chanyeol will be able to help him over come this and they're going to be together. 

It takes a few hours before Chanyeol's allowed to move and visit Baekhyun's sleeping figure. He reads the note Baekhyun left through blurry eyes and tears. It leaves him feeling broken that Baekhyun would think this way and didn't bother confiding in Chanyeol. It hurts him knowing that Baekhyun feels like in prison, that the idol world is a prison. It stings the most when Baekhyun thinks that death is the only way to be free. 

Before he kisses Baekhyun's cold and pale forehead, Chanyeol whispers quietly into his ear. 

"When you wake up, I'll free you from your prison myself. I'll be your freedom. I love you Byun Baekhyun." 

**Author's Note:**

> this was inspired by dear j by jaejoong
> 
> i cried while writing this. 
> 
> i don't know what to say after finishing this


End file.
